


Akerly Alert

by shickzander



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blogging, Depression, Emails, Eventual Romance, Fluff, Love Simon????, M/M, Sickness, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-02 05:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 21,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16299407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shickzander/pseuds/shickzander
Summary: Armin has abandoned his school gossip blog in order to save his mental health during hard times. Eren worries for the anonymous blog writer and decides to email him.Love Simon AU.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is being written as a joint effort between Shickzander and Tiamo4ever. Shick is writing Armin's chapters and Tiamo is writing Eren's. There will be no communication between them and they will have to write their chapters based on whatever was put out by the other.

**New Post from AkerlyAlert**

_ I know I’ve been the best source for gossip around campus, but I think I need to close it down. I’m going through a lot lately, and I’m not really open to talking about it in public, but running this blog just isn’t good for my mental health anymore.  _

_ I’ve caused a bit of trouble with this blog during the two years I’ve been running it. If it weren’t for this blog, everybody would be much happier. So many fights started from rumours I posted. I’m so sorry for the friendships I destroyed, for the suspicions and the paranoia surrounding my identity. I’ve done nothing but bad things with this account and I’m stopping it for the good of everybody.  _

_ I’m sorry to my readers who looked forward to my posts about who’s dating who and what the lunch specials were going to be, but this is for everybody.  _

_ Akerlyalert out.  _

 

Armin hesitated to hit send on the post. This blog had been with him for two years, since he started going to school at Akerly, since he decided to make use of the fact that nobody noticed him, of the fact that he didn’t have any friends. But with everything going on right now, with graduation just a few months away and with his grandfather’s diagnosis, with the realization that, by this time next year, he was going to be completely alone in the world, he just couldn’t bring himself to cause and more damage with this account. 

He wondered if he should have revealed his identity in that post. He would have deserved all the bullying that followed. And it wasn’t like it would follow him past June. At least, if he said who he was, people would have known him. He would have left high school behind with a legacy. 

A shitty one, but one nonetheless. 

Eventually, he found his thumb hitting against the send button, tossing his phone beside him on the bed. He didn’t want to see what this post would cause. 

He planned on skipping school the next day, something he had NEVER done. He didn’t care about missing homework, even though he had nobody to ask for notes. It was only senior year. He didn’t need to care about anything after this. 

Armin rolled over in his bed, pulling his covers over his head. He wanted to cry, but he didn’t think he could. It was like he was a balloon being filled with air that could pop at any time, but just didn’t have enough air. 

With his luck, the balloon would pop right when he didn’t need it to, when he was in public or something. 

Fuck. 

“Maybe I should just drop out.” He muttered to himself. But if he dropped out, what problems would that solve. At least school was a distraction from the shit he was dealing with. A terribly toxic distraction, one that made him feel alone and sick to his stomach. 

But it was better than thinking about what was to come, at least. 


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing Eren's POV and now I finally get to feel almost as awesome as Bryce Papenbrook actually is!! Lol!!  
> Hope you like it :) ♡

If you were to ask Eren Yeager what he thought of himself he would probably say he was fairly normal. He wasn't the most popular kid in school but he wasn't an outcast either; he was just getting by somewhere in the middle. He had a small circle of friends which consisted of his neighbor/childhood friend Mikasa; who Eren was close enough with that he concidered her to be more like a sister. Jean who Eren had known since elementary school. The two faught like cats and dogs and their nicknames for each other were 'horse face' and 'suicidal bastard'. But, dispite their differences they always had each others back. The last person Eren concidered to be one of his closest friends was Annie, a girl who transfered to their highschool freshman year, they hadn't known her long but she just clicked with their little group. 

Eren's family was also fairly normal. He had two parents who cared for him very much. His mother was a stay at home mom/house wife. She was always baking, cleaning and doing craft projects. Eren often describe his mom as being the perfect 1950's mom from those old black and white t.v. shows like leave it to beaver. Eren's father was a Doctor and spent most of his time at the hospital but always made time for his wife and son. 

Even though in theory Eren had a perfectly normal life...Eren was lonely. There really wasn't a reason for him to be and that caused Eren to become angry and frustrated with the world and himsellf. He often struggled with anger issues and had gotten a reputation for being easy to pick a fight with. Eren was quick to use his fists to shut up the idiots who pissed him off. His parents even enrolled him in anger management classes so he could learn non violent solutions to his problems.

There was, however, one thing that nobody knew about Eren. A secret that he had never told...

Eren was gay.

He really didn't have a reason why he hadn't told anyone...he just didn't. Sure their were times when Eren thought it might be nice if he could just tell everyone. It's not like it changed who he was as a person.

Eren who had been laying on his bed stairing at the ceiling was interrupted from these thoughts when his cellphone buzzed. He rolled over and unplugged it from it's charger only to see he had a notification from the Akerly Alert blog. Truth be told Eren couldn't have cared less about whatever gossip was going on at school. Mikasa had made him subscribe to the blog in the first place and Eren only read it when he was bored or wanted to procrastinate doing his homework. He almost put his phone back and ignored the post completely but something caught his attention. It wasn't like the other posts. It wasn't cheap gossip about how Sasha got caught stealing potatoes from the cafeteria or how Krista was supposedly cheating on Ymir.

No, this post was different. It was honest, almost painfully so. Eren didn't know why but he felt worried about the anonymous blog writer. He couldn't care less if the blog continued or not but something in Eren's heart needed to know the author was alright. Eren could be a hot head and often made rash decisions but he had a big heart and he really cared about people.

Eren got off his bed and opened his email account. He also wanted to remain anonymous just as a precaution, so he made a brand new account and wrote an email Akerly Alert.

 

* * *

 

To: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com  
From: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com  
Subject: Are you ok? / My secret

* * *

 

I'm not really sure what to say. I'm not really a fan of gossip or your blog if I'm being honest, but this last post; the one about you closing down your blog. It was so honest that I could feel your pain. I might not know the exact situation you are in but I know a thing or two about doing things for your mental health. I have to go to anger management classes. Only my close friends and family know that. I don't make that public knowledge. I also feel lonely all the time and I don't even have a good reason. I have a normal happy family and close friends. I shouldn't feel lonely but I do. Reading your post I could feel your loneliness and sadness. I just want to know if you are ok and let you know you can email me anytime you want to talk or vent about life. We can keep it completely anonymous since I don't know you and you don't know me. I know spilling your guts to a total stranger seems crazy. Probably more so for you since you are (were?) a gossip blog writer...but what if I were to tell you something I've never told anyone. Something I've never even said out loud before.

I'm gay.

I know that's not an earth shattering secret since we do have a few kids at school who are "out of the closet" or whatever. But it's the only thing I've never shared with anyone before. Hell my hands are shaking so bad just from typing those two words it's almost impossible to type the rest of this email.

I'm willing to be vulnerable in this situation if you are. If you don't want to talk then at least send me an email to let me know if you're ok. I just want to make sure. My friend would say It's because I have a hero complex. Then he'd probably tell me I'm a dumbass for worring about a total stranger. Maybe I am, but I can't help it. I do care. Even if you don't reply at least you know someone cares.

But I hope you do reply.

From, Scout

* * *

 

 

And after taking a deep breath, Eren pressed the send button. Now all he could do was wait for a response.


	3. Chapter Three

**To: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com**

**From: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com**

**Subject: Re: Are you ok? / My secret**

 

_ I...uh...don't know what to say. I mean...I didn't really expect to get a response to the post, so I don't really know what I'm doing.  _

_ The truth is...I'm not okay. And I really don't want to talk about it…not with anybody. Just typing it out like this makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I feel like I have to since you came out to me like that.  _

_ I'm gay too. Not that it matters. I don't even have friends, so it's not like there's any chance of a boyfriend in the future.  _

_ But that's the one thing in my life that I'm NOT going through. There's just so much shit that dropped on me at once and it makes me want to die.  _

_ I don't know...I'm sorry for rambling. This is probably a stupid idea. You don't have to email me back if you don't want to.  _

_ You probably shouldn't.  _

 

Armin didn't even bother proofreading what he wrote before sending it. He was stupid for even bothering to write anything more than “I'm fine. Please don't email me.” 

But he hadn't gotten any sleep that night and he just wasn't thinking straight. 

“Armin, it's time to get up.” His grandfather shuffled into his room, breathing heavily. 

“I know.” Armin didn't want to get out of bed. He wanted to stay under the covers for a little while longer...for a LONG while. But he knew that he couldn't. He had to at least pretend that his life was together. 

So he pulled himself out of his heaps of blankets and wandered into the bathroom to shower. 

He didn't do much washing in there. He mostly just sat down and let the water wash over him. He had found himself desperate for warmth lately, whether it be from his blankets or the scalding water falling over his empty shell of a body. But none of that was enough, and he didn't know why. 

“Armin, you’re going to be late for school.” 

Armin sighed, turning the shower off and shuffling out, not even bothering to dry himself off before slipping into a baggy sweater and sweatpants. He looked like shit. He  _ knew _ he looked like shit. But he couldn’t bring himself to dig for better clothes. It wasn’t like anybody was going to see him. He wasn’t going to school. 

He didn’t know where he was going to hide until he had to get back home. He’d probably just wander around the park, find a good tree to sit against and read a book or something. 

Maybe he could just take off...walk across town...just keep walking until all his problems were nowhere to be seen. 

He could do that. He had three hundred dollars in his bank account, and another ton when he turned eighteen, which meant he only had to make that three hundred last for another year and a half. 

Who was he kidding? 

Skipping was his only choice for now. 


	4. Chapter Four

* * *

  
To: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com  
From: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com  
Subject: I can be a stubborn jackass.

 

* * *

 

Well, if you really didn't want me to email you again then your first mistake was telling me I "shouldn't".

I'm one of the most stubborn people on the planet and as soon as someone tells me I "can't" or "shouldn't" do something, my first instinct is to do it anyway. A perfect example of this would be when I was about 11 years old. My friend, we'll just call him "J" to keep things anonymous, told me I couldn't use a bedsheet as a parachute. So being the stubborn moron that I have a tendency to be I had to do it. Partly to prove that it was possible and partly to prove "J" wrong. As you and I (now in my case) know it really ISN'T possible to use a bedsheet as a parachute. I ended up breaking one of my arms and one of my legs. I also got the biggest, longest, loudest lecture from both my parents for being stupid and reckless. Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that if I'm stubborn enough to jump off the roof of our two story house, than I am more than stubborn enough to email you again. (And again, and probably again.)

If you aren't ready to talk about the reasons why life is a bitch right now then you don't have to and I won't ask you too. We could just keep this light and casual; kinda like pen pals. We can talk about our day or the dumb stuff we did as kids. Hell we could talk about the weather if you want. It would be kinda nice to have a pen pal, don't you think?

In elementary school our class and a class in the same grade from another school did the pen pal thing. It was kinda neat to have someone to write letters to and it was always exciting when we received our response letters. I don't know, maybe I'm just lame for getting so excited about "snail mail". I've always been that way though family members would send birthday cards and holiday cards with my presents and I was always more excited about the card than the gift. I'm pretty sure I still have a box full of them in my bedroom somewhere. Like I said...lame. "J" makes fun of me all the time for how sappy and sentimental I can be. Then I usually call him a jackass and then nine times out of ten we end up in a fist fight and someone has to stop us. I know you're probably wondering how I can say he's my friend when that's what our relationship is like but "J" and I are actually really close.

He was actually my first guy crush. We met first year of elementary school and then our first year of middle school I realized I liked him more than a friend. I actually thought I had a chance with him...that is until he started going on and on about how cute he thought our mutual friend was, we'll call her "M".  
That was my first experience with heartbreak. Really wish someone had told me "don't fall for a straight guy." But I am stubborn so I'm not gonna lie because "J" wasn't the only straight guy I had a crush on. Although "J" was also my second experience with heartbreak as well, because last year "J" told me, "M" and our other friend "A" that he is bi and is still currently dating a guy.

Now I know what you are thinking, if "J" is bi, why haven't I told him or any of our other friends that I'm gay? Well as stupid as this sounds I don't want to be accused of being a copycat. "J" and I have been competing and comparing ourselves to each other since we met. And I think I'm afraid that if I say I'm gay it'll be turned into a comparison thing with "J" and won't be taken seriously. Maybe I should have more faith in my friends. It's just kinda nerve wracking, ya know?

I'm sure I've bored you enough with my dumb life stories. I think I've also managed to only show you what a lame loser I am. But if you don't mind being pen pals with a stubborn, reckless, sentimental, lame, straight boy crush having, kind of person; than send me a reply.

I really hope you do. Which I know, sounds strange since I literally know nothing about you except that you were the creator of the schools favorite gossip blog. I just can't explain why, something is telling me that this could be a good thing for you and me.

So...at the risk of adding pathetic to the growing list of personality traits you know about me...I'm gonna start begging a little.

Please reply.

From, Scout.

 


	5. Chapter Five

**To: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com**

**From: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com**

**Subject: Re: I’m a stubborn jackass**

 

_ So...I’m sorry I took three days to reply. I didn’t know what to say… _

_ I guess we could be pen pals...I don’t really know what to say about myself. I’m sixteen. My parents died when I was young and I’ve been living with my grandad ever since.  _

_ I don’t really have an interesting life, if i’m going to be honest. I don’t have fun friends like you do, or any fun adventures from my childhood, really. I do a lot of reading, mostly… _

_ I  _ did _ have a penpal once...when I was in elementary school too, actually.  _

_ I don’t remember much about what he sent me, but I  _ do _ remember that his handwriting was so messy that I had to get grandpa to help me. I don’t even think I still have the letters. They probably got lost when I moved...maybe they’re in the attic. We wrote each other for a while, but then I moved the first time and my address changed. It was because I had to move in with my grandfather and it was all so sudden that I didn’t get a chance to give him my new address.  _

_ I’m sorry that I don’t really have much else going for me...I don’t get why you even care about this whole thing...you don’t even know me.  _

_ If you did, you’d probably hate me. I’m a lot less fun to hang out with than I sound online. I’ve never really had friends before, either, so I don’t really know how I would entertain you. I’d probably just keep to myself and then you’d get bored and leave.  _

_ Anyway...I don’t really know why I’m doing this…fear maybe? _

_ I guess i was afraid that you’d email me again when I was in a worse shape and i’d go off rambling again...bothering you about all the shit that’s happening… _

_ I figured that I might as well email you when I’m relatively less depressed than usual... _

_ I don’t know… _

_ We’re supposed to get conversation going or something in these, aren’t we? Is there anything new at school? What’s your favourite colour?  _

_ Do you ever wish that you’d never been born?  _

_ Sincerely...Uh...I guess you can call me...fuck...i don’t know... _

 

Armin had been skipping school for the past three days, but it was time to go back. 

It wasn’t because he wanted to, or because his depression was magically cured. He was just tired of hiding out at the public library, trying not to make any sounds as he cried in the little closet where they stored bean bag chairs. 

He didn’t bother dressing up again. Nobody would care what he was wearing. Nobody would have cared if he came to class naked.

He didn’t comb his hair, either. It was sticking up on one side, tangled on the other. He looked like a windswept wheatfield, except you don’t make whiskey out of Armin. You couldn’t make anything good out of him…

The blond shuffled out of the house, walking up the sidewalk to the school with sluggish steps. He wanted to be home. He wanted to be under the covers. He wanted to not be alive. 

 


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter back tracks just a smidge to before Eren saw Armin's reply emai.
> 
> Hope you like it!! ♡♡♡

Eren sat at the lunch table with Jean, Annie and Mikasa but he wasn't paying attention to his friends. He was paying attention to his cell phone, desperatly trying to connect to the schools less than adequate Wi-Fi, to see if he had gotten a response to the email he sent to Akerly Alert. It had been about three days now and still nothing. Eren sighed as he hit the refresh button again.

"You have been cheking your phone an awful lot lately. Any particular reason why?" Mikasa asked before taking a bite of her salad. Eren looked at her and shrugged because he wasn't sure what to say. It's not like he could just say "I'm waiting for a reply email from the school gossip blog creator because I've been spilling my guts to them in hopes that it will make it easier for them to open up to me about whats causing them so much pain." And act like it was a completely normal thing to do.

"Well we know for sure it's not a secret girlfriend. No one is desperate enough to date Jeager." Jean said in that teasing tone that he knew would get under Eren's skin. Now normally Eren would have just called Jean an asshole and let that be the end of it. Today however that particular comment stung quite a bit. Probably because Eren had mentioned his past crush on Jean in his emails to Akerly Alert and the memories were a little more fresh than Eren thought they would be. Hearing Jean say something like that hurt Eren's feelings a little and that pissed him off. Between Eren being in edge waiting for a reply email and Jean's comment; Eren snapped.

"Fuck of Kerstien!" Eren shouted as he flipped Jean's lucnh tray right over so that the contents spilled all down the front of Jean's cloths.

"Jesus Christ Jeager. What's your fuckin' problem." Jean shouted back as he stood up. Then he flipped Eren's lunch tray so the Eren also wound up covered in food as well. Eren then retaliated by grabbing Mikasa's salad a chucked it at Jean.

"I was still eating that." Mikasa said.

Jean who currently had the same level of maturity as Eren, then grabbed Annie's lunch and tossed it at Eren.

"This is so stupid." Annie said.

Eren and Jean continued to toss the nearby food at each other until someone shouted "food fight". The entire cafeteria erupted into chaos as the students tossed food at each other. Annie and Mikasa both stood up from the table and both expertly dodged the flying food as they left the room. If Eren hadn't been pissed off he would have been impressed, but then Jean managed to hit Eren in the face with tapioca pudding and Eren lost it again. He ended up jumping over the lunch table and tackled Jean to the ground. It wasn't much longer before the principal came to the cafeteria and stopped the food fight. Eren and Jean continued to fight regardless of the the fact that the principal was standing next to them. It wasn't until he cleared his throat that the boys stopped.

"My office now, gentlemen." He said as the three walked down the hallway.

"This is the third time this month the two of you have been in my office. Which one of you started it this time?" Mr. Smith asked. Eren and Jean had been fighting like this since they were little and the two of the had worked out a system where they would alternate taking the blame for starting the fight.

"I did." Eren said. Jean looked a bit shocked because it was technically his turn to take the blame. "I flipped Jean's tray and I'm the one who through the first punch."

"I see." Mr. Smith said. "The two of you are going to stay after school until the cafeteria is immaculate and Eren you are suspended for the rest of the week."

Then the two boys headed back to the cafeteria and started cleaning. Eren did his best to ignore Jean, which would have been easier if Jean would just stop talking.

"Why'd you take the blame? It was my turn." Jean asked. "How long are you gonna ignore me? You're the one that started it so don't act all pissy now. Is this about my comment about no one being desperate enough-"

"Shut up horse face."

"Seriously what's your problem today?"

Eren didn't respond right away. He didn't want to tell Jean about the emails he'd been sending and how desperate he was to get a reply. It was kind of nice to have something that was separate from his friends, family and everyday life. Something that was just his. It might have been aggravating waiting for a reply but Eren was glad he had sent those emails.

"I've just been on edge lately and your stupid mouth pusshed me over. So why don't you keep it shut before I shut it for you." Eren said before playfully shoving Jean's shoulder the way they always did after the two had a fight.

"Whatever Jeager."

The two finished cleaning and then headed home. His parents weren't happy about the suspension and after a very long lecture they sent Eren up to his room. As soon as he closed the door he checked to see if he had gotten a response. He was shocked and very glad to see the new message in his inbox. After reading it Eren wrote his own reply.

* * *

 

To: Akerlyalert@gmail.com   
From: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com   
Subject: So glad you agreed to be pen pals.

 

* * *

 

To be honest I don't know why I'm so stuck on e-mailing you either. At first it started out with me really wanting to make sure you were ok...now...I'm probably just being selfish and want someone to talk to. I know I have friends and family I could talk to but it's not really the same. Talking to someone who doesn't already know or have an idea of who I am as a person, it's nice. I feel like I'm more myself in these emails to you than I am with the people in my life.

I heard a quote one time, it was something along the lines of "nothing's lonlier than a party." I never understood it until recently. Lately I feel lonlier in a room full of people than I do by myself. Which sucks because I'm alone in my room right now writing to you and I can't even stand how alone I feel right now. I've never wished I wasn't born...but I have wished I wasn't alive. I don't talk about it though because I have such a normal life and no real problems other than my anger management classes. It's like if you don't have a legitimate reason for suicidal thoughts you aren't taken seriously. You're just attention seeking.

On a different, less dark note, you asked what's new at school. Well I may or may not have been the cause of a food fight today. Got suspended for the rest of the week. My dad is pissed and my mom is "so dissapointed" in me. God I hate that. I would almost prefer it if she was mad. Dose talking about my parents bother you? I don't want to bring up bad memories or trigger you.

Anyway they are making me spend my suspension with my anger management coach, we'll call her "H". She's good at what she does but...I think the best way to describe her would be to say...she's like a Canadian dollar...loonie (sorry lame joke). But she totally is a little nuts. Although whatever she does works because I always feel better after a session with her.

As for my favorite color. It's kind of a cop out because I have two. Blue and white. Like on a perfect summer day when the sky is bright blue and full of those big fluffy clouds that you try and find shapes in as you lay back in the grass. The kind sky that makes you wish you could fly. I've always wished I could fly. To be free as a bird and soar through the air.

Have you ever had any silly wishes like that?   
  
You say you usually keep to yourself. What do you like to do?

What's something you always wanted to do?

From, Scout.


	7. Chapter Seven

School...was absolute fucking hell. Armin sat through lectures from three different teachers about his absences, plus he had a stack of assignments to finish, AND nobody he felt comfortable asking for help. 

He considered asking to switch from advanced placement classes to normal ones in order to lower his workload, but he couldn’t. He had always been praised for being smart. It was the only thing he had going for him. If he gave up on grades...what did he have left? 

He was so busy all throughout the day that he didn’t even stop for lunch. By the time the last bell rang for the day, he was starving. It didn’t help that he had skipped breakfast. What kind of IDIOT skips breakfast?! 

His walk home was heavy and slow. He wanted to be home, hiding under his covers, but the streets had traffic and traffic might actually end his pain if he ran into it  _ just right.  _

But, somehow, he resisted temptation. He arrived home just as he was supposed to. 

The house was quiet. His grandfather must have been taking a nap. Armin slipped into his room, dropping onto his bed. He wasn’t hungry anymore. 

His phone buzzed, having connected to the home wifi. He never connected to the school internet from his phone, so it hadn’t picked up anything until then. 

There was an email...from Scout…

He read through it a few times, memorizing all the main points. Then, he opened up a draft to forge his reply. 

 

**To: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com**

**From: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com**

**Subject: Re: So glad you agreed to be pen pals.**

 

_ What do i like to do? _

_ That’s a tough question since i don’t exactly LIKE to do anything anymore. I used to like reading. I’d finish whole books in a day. But now...I just can’t even start a book anymore.  _

_ I used to like school too...i know it’s lame but it’s really all i have going for me. This depression...it’s just kind of...drained the personality out of me, you know?  _

_ I used to have a silly wish. It’s stupid, if I’m being honest. I’ve always wanted to see the ocean. It’s messed up that I never have but grandpa is too old to travel and my parents never got to take me. But i feel like if I did go and see it...it would just be mediocre and i’d end up disappointed. I think that’s the big reason I’ve never bothered going myself.  _

_ That...and the fact that I don’t want to go alone… _

_ I guess that falls under something I want to do too, doesn’t it?  _

_ That’s just how simple of a guy I am… _

_ Talking about my parents doesn’t bother me, i guess. They died a long time ago. It was a car accident, if you’re wondering.  _

_ Sometimes I think that it didn’t affect me at all...but...I’m afraid to get my licence.  _

_ Which is a fucked up fear because I want to die so bad lol. _

_ There wouldn’t be a point in having it anyway. Where would I go if I got it? How would I even afford a car?  _

_ Where would  _ you _ go if you had a license (and a car)? Maybe You could give me ideas so i can plan my road trip to join my parents? I’m sorry for dumping my shit on you. It’s been a rough day. Was your food fight worth it?  _

 

_ Sincerely... I still haven’t decided what to call myself.  _


	8. Chapter Eight

* * *

 

To: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com  
From: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com  
Subject: Wide awake at 2:37am

* * *

 

Don't apologize for venting about the problems you're dealing with right now. I told you in my very first email that you could talk to me about anything or vent anytime you need to.

Also it was never really my intention to start the food fight. I'm not even the one who shouted the words. It just sort of happened. "J" made a comment that bothered me more than I wish it had and I let my temper get the better of me and dumped his lunch tray in his lap. Things just sort of escalated from there.

Where would I go if I had a car/license? Well...I'd go anywhere and everywhere I could, just because I could. There is nothing more sofacating than being confined to one space. I've lived here my whole life and even though I love my family and friends, I'd give antlything to just be able to spread my wings and fly the hell out of here.

I remember during one of the movie nights at my friend "M's" place, we watched Forest Gump. I don't know if you've ever watched it but there is this scene when Forest and his friend Jenny are kids and they run into a field and Jenny  pray's to God to make her a bird. "Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far far from here." It's the only scene I really remember, but that's probably because I've also made that same wish many times before.

I've never been to the ocean before either by the way. Now this might be the fact that it is almost 3:00am (as mentioned in the subject line) but let's make a promise, even if we never actually do it, even if it's just a stupid pen pal promise, someday in the future, it doesn't even matter when, let's go to the ocean together. You and me. Promise? Obviously not anytime soon because I can tell from your emails that you are NOT ready to meet in person anytime soon, and to be honest I'm not ready either. Writing to you is enough for now. Don't you think?

I know you're probably wondering why I'm up so late so I'm just gonna tell you why now so I don't have to try and remember...that and I kinda have somthing on my mind. I'm awake because I am prone to nightmares. I can never really remember what they are about when I wake up but they are bad enough that I have to bite my hand to keep from screaming. I always end up biting hard enough to break the skin so after getting out of bed to bandage my hand I'm usually too awake to go back to sleep...then my mind wanders...it's awful how in the middle of the night you remember all the things you wish you could forget.

I can't stop thinking about this awful thing I did to "M" a few years ago.

Just a little back story, I've known "M" practically since we were born. She's my next door neighbor but she's more like my sister than anything else. Anyway when we were around six or seven our parent's took us to that big Christmas light display they do in town square every year. It was cold that night, that icy Christmas time air making the evening very festive. "M" was shivering. She didn't have a scarf that night, but I did. As a typical six year old boy I didn't want a scarf anyway so I gave mine to her. On they way home she tried to give it back but I told her to keep it as an early Christmas present. She loves it, still to this day. She wears it all the time, even in the summer. Which brings us to the awful thing I did a few years ago. My temper can get pretty bad sometimes (hence the anger management classes) I don't even remember what exactly I was mad about at the time but "M" had taken her scarf off and it was on the couch in my house. She was trying to calm me down which only wound me up more.

I tore her scarf...ripped the damn thing almost in half. I will never forget the look on her face. She ran out of the house in tears...tears..."M" never cries. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen her cry.

God I am SUCH AN ASSHOLE. And I can't get that memory to go the fuck away.

I felt so guilty after I did it. My mom knows how to sew and knit. She offered to fix it for me but I insisted that it wouldn't mean as much if I didn't do it myself. Mom gave me the instructions and I fixed the scarf. The yarn I used wasn't quite the same color so you can tell its been patched up. I still feel a twinge of guilt everytime I see it.

You said you liked to read right? Got any book recommendations? I could use someting to help distract me from my thoughts when I can't sleep at night.

I want to know more about you.

What's your favorite color? You asked mine.

If you had a superpower what would it be?

What's your biggest fear?

Do you feel obligated to keep emailing me because I'm so persistent?

I should probably try to sleep a little. I have to meet my anger management coach at 7:30 this morning.

Goodnight...well it's morning so...good morning??

From, Scout.

 


	9. Chapter Nine

**To: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com**

**From: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com**

**Subject: Re: Wide awake at 2:37am**

 

_ I’m sorry about your nightmares. That sounds really rough. I can’t say that i’ve ever had it that bad, so i can’t really give any advice.  _

_ I don’t think i could ever go to the ocean with you...sorry about that. It’s, like, the only thing keeping me from jumping into traffic. I feel like I can’t die unless I do that one thing, and if I do that then what would I have to live for, you know?  _

_ I don’t really have any books to recommend, actually. I mostly read really old classics and stuff and I don’t really think anybody else is into them like that.  _

_ Catcher in the Rye might be a good read for you...just based off what I know about you.  _

_ My favourite colour...I don't think i’ve ever had one. Maybe something soft...like yellow or blue or something… _

_ If I had a superpower, i’d want to… _

_ I don’t know… _

_ I can’t think of anything. There’s so many things that I want in life. I want to be happy again...for my parents to come back...for my life to have meaning...to have friends...a boyfriend someday if I’m lucky. I can’t get any of that with superpowers.  _

_ My biggest fear is that things will feel like this forever, that I’ll never be able to escape from the pain, the loneliness, that twenty, forty years from now, i’ll be just as messed up as I am now. I don’t think I could handle this that long. It’s already becoming so unbearable that I don’t know what to do.  _

_ I don’t feel obligated to email you because you’re persistent. It’s more like...homework? I’m a compulsive replier.  _

_ I don’t know.  _

_ Good luck at your meeting or whatever.  _

 

_ Sincerely…whatever my name is... _

 

Armin sent the email almost an hour after he saw Scout’s. He had been awake too...unable to sleep because he was so busy trying to finish all the assignments he missed. He knew he would be wiped out by the time tomorrow came, when he had even MORE homework to do, but it was so hard. He had figured he was smart, but it turned out he was only good at memorizing things. 

 

He was going to go to bed, until he felt this overwhelming anxiety wash over him. 

Why was he doing this? Why was he working so hard get good grades when he didn’t plan to do anything with them? He didn’t even have any colleges of choice to apply for. 

Not anymore. 

 

He opened his email before he knew what he was doing, opening a draft for the only person on his contact list. 

 

**To: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com**

**From: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com**

**Subject: i really just want to die**

 

_ I think...I’m going to drop out of school. It’s too much for me and I got rejected from the only college I wanted to attend… _

_ What’s the point of it? Nobody there likes me. Even the teachers forget my name. They won’t even help me get into the secondary school of my dreams.  _

_ It’s lonely, it’s scary, and I just want it to end.  _

_ The only person I can talk to about this is my grandfather, but he has enough on his plate since he was diagnosed with lung cancer a few weeks ago.  _

_ I don’t know what to do. I can’t even get out of bed in the morning unless I’m forced...I can’t feel happy no matter how hard I try… _

_ Maybe...I should just give up… _

_ Love, Armin _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooo boy this got dark


	10. Chapter Ten

 

Eren still couldn't sleep. He thought sending an email to Akerly Alert would help him calm down and relax a little, but it didn't seem to help. Eren just continued to toss and turn in his bed. After rolling over and checking the time on his alarm clock he saw that had been just over an hour since had decided to try and sleep. He sighed as he got out of bed and ran his hands through is hair, pushing it out of his face. Eren walked over to his bedroom window and opened it to let some of the chilly early morning air into his room. Eren was always too warm and the cool air felt nice on his skin. As he was looking up at the stars in the sky he heard the notification sound come from his phone. Eren was surprised and briefly wondered if it could be from Akerly Alert, but then thought that wasn't possible. He wouldn't be up this late, would he?  Eren's eye widened when he saw that it was in fact a response email. 

 

He quickly opened it and started reading it...but it wasn't what he expected...not at all. It felt forced, like he had written it for the sake of writing it. Eren felt hurt and angry. He chucked his phone on the bed and clenched his fists. Eren tried to take a deep breath but it didn't work. It might have been the lack of sleep or it the tension he felt from having had a nightmare or maybe a combination of both, but Eren couldn't keep the need to punch something away anymore. He ended up putting his fist through the mirror in his bedroom. Eren hissed in pain as some of the glass imbedded itself into his hand. He then heard footsteps coming down the hall to his room.

 

"Fuck." Eren whispered to himself.

 

"Eren?" His father said as he knocked on Eren's door. Eren opened it just enough to stick his head out so that his father wouldn't see the broken  mirror or see the state of his hand. "What was that noise?"

 

"Sorry. I had another nightmare. I knocked my lamp off my bedside table." Eren said partially lying.   

 

"Are you alright?"

 

"Yeah." Eren said. His father told him to go back to sleep and after they said good night again Eren closed his door. He then got the first aid kit off his dresser and pulled the glass out of his hand then bandaged up the cuts. When he was done he flopped down on the be in frustration. Akerly Alert had said that their emails were like homework and that he was a compulsive replier. Did that mean if Eren never initiated another email, he would never hear from Akerly Alert again? Maybe this whole thing really was stupid after all. Eren had been spilling his guts to this total stranger, telling him things he never talked about with anyone; and what did he get in return? Akerly Alert couldn't even be bothered to come up with a name that Eren could call him. He also couldn't even promise that they would go to the ocean together. Eren wasn't dumb, he knew that the chances of them actually going to the ocean together were slim to none but that didn't mean that they couldn't at least pretend to promise that it could become reality. Eren was also frustrated about the way the email ended. _"_ Good luck at your meeting tomorrow or whatever" Did Akerly Alert even care at all? More importantly, why did Eren care so much? He knew next to nothing about this person so why did he care so much? Why did it hurt so much? Why did Eren let himself become so worked up over someone he didn't even know? The only time he had ever felt like this about someone was...

 

Nope...No Eren wasn't going to go there. He was just going to block out all thoughts until his alarm went off and he had to meet his anger management coach.

 

~XxxxX~

 

"Good morning sunshine! By the looks of those bags under your eyes I can only assume that you were very excited to start our session today." Hanji  said cheerfully as Eren got into her pick up truck.

 

"Hanji it's too early for this."

 

"Pish posh, it's never too early to center yourself and find your inner peace."

 

"Please tell me we are going to the kick boxing studio. I need to hit something."

 

"It's good that you recognize your need to be violent but based on the bandages on your hand I can tell you already have. What was it this time Eren." 

 

"The mirror in my bedroom." Eren said. He knew Hanji would ask why and he really didn't want to talk about it yet so he thought it would be best to distract her for now. "So where are we going?"

 

"I thought we would do a little yoga in the park. I think it would be good for you to have a nice non violent activity to help clam you down. Once you've achieved a nice relaxed state of mind it should help you process the things that make you lose control and then we can work on some coping techniques."

 

Once they got to the park Hanji lead Eren to a secluded patch of grass surrounded by a flower field and big trees. They didn't have yoga mats because Hanji had some nonsense belief that the mat would prevent them from feeling earth's energy. Eren didn't believe any of that but arguing with Hanji was like talking to a fortune cookie, in the sense that she would only respond with even more nonsense. She then had Eren take his shoes off so they could really become one with nature. The grass was still damp from the rain yesterday, but Hanji still insisted. 

 

The two of them stood back to back and silently started their yoga routine. They had been at it for about fifteen minutes and Eren was still wound tight and the sound of a dog barking a few feet away from them wasn't helping. 

 

"Eren breathe." Hanji said. "Don't let the anger take over."

 

"How do you do that? How do you know I'm pissed when you aren't even looking at me?"

 

"You aren't very subtle with your anger. Almost anyone would be able to tell. It practically radiates from you when it starts to spike." Hanji said. "Take a few deep breaths and try and pinpoint the cause."

 

Eren and Hanji worked through the rest of their yoga session and were almost finished when Eren was suddenly hit with the realization that he had over looked something important in the email from this morning. 

 

"Catcher in the Rye." Eren said.

 

"So J. D Salinger's written work had angered you? If only we could call him up and let him know you are displeased with his popular work of fiction."

 

"What? No. It's not that." Eren said. "He recommended that book to me. I thought he didn't care but that's the book he picked."

 

"Eren honey I'm going to need a little more information if you want me to understand what you are talking about." 

 

"I have this...pen pal." Eren started to explain. If there was anyone Eren could talk to about this it was probably Hanji. She never judged, only listened. "I don't know he is though. It started with me wanting to make sure he was ok. He anonymously posted something on a blog that worried me a little. I emailed to let him know he could talk to me if he needed someone, he doesn't know who I am either. I've told him a lot of personal things about myself but in his last email it was really forced like he didn't really care, but I just realized he has been paying attention to everything I said because when I asked for a book recommendation he picked Catcher in the Rye. That is my favorite book."

 

"So you were angry because you thought your anonymous pen pal didn't care." 

 

"Well when you say it like that it sounds stupid."

 

"Your anger and other emotions are never stupid. You are entitled to feel them. You just need to learn how to respond to them in a healthy manner." Hanji said. "It sounds to me that you like this boy, whoever he may be."

 

"I think I do too." Eren said even though it seemed impossible to like someone whose real name you didn't even know.

 

Hanji dropped Eren off at home a short while later and the first thing he was going to do was write to Akerly Alert. He was shocked to see that he had already received an email from him and even more shocked by what it said.

 

* * *

 

To: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com

From: Wingof_Freedom@gmail.com

Subject: Re: I really just want to die

* * *

 

I was really pissed at you this morning when I read your first email. I even put my fist through my bedroom mirror. I felt like I was talking to someone who responded just for the sake of responding. I know you are hurting but I still don't know why, at least not all of it since I know more now than I did then. I didn't expect you to really care about what's going on in my life but it still hurt when it was confirmed that you really didn't seem to. 

 

Then during my anger management session "H" took me to the park for yoga and something hit me. There I was standing barefoot in the muddy grass trying to work out what I was actually angry about and it was because I realized I have feelings for a stranger. These emails...I look forward to them everyday. I check my email nine times a day just to see if you sent me one and when you do it's like nothing else matters in the moment when I'm reading it. 

 

You recommended Catcher in the Rye. That is my favorite book and you picked it based on what I had told you. Do you have any idea how rare it is for someone to just get you like that? You do care. There is a quote in this book that says "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." Is that why you don't talk to me? You don't want to miss anyone else. I know for sure that if these emails stop then I would miss the hell out of you. 

 

You can't give up. I won't tell you it gets better or any of that other cliché bullshit people say when someone is struggling with suicidal thoughts. I will tell you that I will always reply to your emails. I want to be a person who is there for you. I want to be able to get you the way you get me. I know that sounds fucking selfish, but at this point I'm desperate. No one in my life gets me this worked up. No one in my life has me this eager to talk to them. 

 

And as crazy and this fucking sounds I have real feelings for you.

 

Love, Eren. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

Armin didn't end up checking his email for another week. Part of the reason was because he was so busy with homework, and the other part was because he was afraid. 

He couldn't remember what he had sent in the second email, only that it was stupid and edgy. He was afraid of what kind of reply he would get back. Probably one yelling at him for being so stupid. 

Eventually, he came across a break in his assignment, long enough to check his phone. He stood from his desk in the library, feeling slightly dizzy. 

He had been feeling dizzy a lot lately. Probably from lack of sleep. He started walking toward the book shelves, legs feeling like rubber. This wasn't normal for him. Maybe it was a depression thing. 

He turned on his phone, scrolling through tons of notifications until he found his email. 

He opened his own first, wanting to see what the hell he spoke about. 

Fuck, it was awful. It was so sad and shitty and Armin regretted even typing that much. 

When he got to the end, disaster struck. 

He had signed the email with his real name. 

_ Love, Armin.  _

_ Love, Armin.  _

_ Love, fucking Armin.  _

“Oh no. Oh no no.” Armin gasped. Scout knew his name now. Scout was going to tell the whole school about him. He was going to get bullied and his entire life was going to be made a living hell, all because he decided to trust a complete stranger. 

He should have ignored the first email, should have ended the blog without putting out an attention seeking post. 

He didn’t even bother to read scout’s message before he was running to the bathroom. He felt nauseated, ready to throw up the contents of his stomach. 

But what was in his stomach, anyway? When was the last time he ate? He couldn’t remember. 

The dizziness came back before he was even out of the library. His vision blurred and his ears started to ring. He felt his phone slip out of his hands as his legs gave out from under him. 

“Shit, you okay, dude?” Somebody asked. 

Was he okay? This didn’t seem normal at all. 

“I think he’s falling…” 

Armin felt pain shooting through his body as his knees came down on the hard floor. Was he dying?

“Somebody call the nurse!”    
“This isn’t something you can just put a bandaid on, Jeremy. Call an ambulance!”    
“Who is this guy anyway?” 

Armin’s head hit something hard. The floor? The desk? A bookshelf? He had probably hit it hard. Where was he again? 

“He’s bleeding! Don’t just stand there.”    
Armin opened one eye long enough to see a hand pick up his phone. He wanted to scream out but he forgot how. His phone was still on. Somebody could see his message. Somebody else could figure out who he was...they could tell the whole school what he had done, about his blog, about his depression, about his lame taste in books and his dream to visit the ocean. They would know all of it and would probably reveal his identity. 

He hoped that he was dying here on the library floor. 

It would be better than facing what was to come. 


	12. Chapter Twelve

 

* * *

 

To:AkerlyAlert@gmail.com

From:Wingof_Freedom@gmail.com

Subject: Are you still out there somewhere?

* * *

Ok...so maybe confessing to you over email probably wasn't my smartest idea. I didn't mean to add any stress to your life and I wasn't trying to pressure you in any way. I just got so caught up in my feelings that I didn't really stop to think how my confession would affect you. 

And now that we know each other's names this has become really real.  

You don't have to respond to my confession, but please don't shut me out completely. 

Please don't disappear.

Love, Eren.

 

~XxxxX~

 

It had been days...days since Eren had confessed his feelings to his email pen pal, whose name he now knew to be Armin, and he had heard nothing from him. It was starting to drive Eren crazy. He knew the other boy's first name but that was really all he had to go on. He knew for a fact he had never spoken to anyone named Armin at school before, at least not to his knowledge. Also it wasn't like he could go around asking random students if they knew anyone named by that name without having a reason. It would only create rumors and that was the last thing he wanted to do since Armin already had enough problems in his life without unnecessary rumors. So how was he going to find him? and even if he did find him what did he think would happen? Armin hadn't responded to his confession email so would he really want to talk to Eren in person? Eren knew it was crazy but he needed to meet Armin in person soon. 

At lunch on Wednesday Eren ditched his friends and decided to do a little detective work. He headed to the library and went over to where the old yearbooks were. He found the ones he needed and flipped through them looking for anyone named Armin to help narrow down his search. It turned out that there was only one kid named Armin in the whole school, Armin Arlert.  At first Eren was thrilled about this discovery, but there were no pictures of him in any of the yearbooks he checked. Armin's name was listed under the section of students that hadn't had a picture to include. It was like Armin was a ghost. Eren was beginning to wonder if he was real in the first place or if the person he had been emailing had chosen the name Armin at random. Eren shoved the yearbooks to the floor which earned a scowl from the librarian. Eren picked them back up and put them back onto the shelf before getting another idea. Armin said he liked to read so he probably spent a lot of time in the library, which meant the librarian might know who Armin was. Eren walked up to the front desk of the library.

"Um, excuse me?" Eren said getting the man's attention.

"How can I help you?"

"I was wondering if you knew a student named Armin Arlert and maybe what class he is in?"

"Son, I'm an old man. Most of the time I'm lucky if I remember my own name. I can't help you with that, but if you need help finding a book let me know."

"Ah come on. He likes to read, he's probably in here all the time."

"Sorry kid. Can't help you."

Eren left the library feeling even more frustrated than before he went in. After quickly checking his email again to see if Armin had responded yet, which he hadn't, Eren went back to class and finished the rest of his day.  When school was over Eren went to his locker to grab his stuff. He was just about to leave when Annie stopped him.

"Eren, wait up."

"Oh hey Annie, what's up?"

"Is your dad working at the hospital tonight?"

"Yeah why?"

"Does your mom still have you bring him dinner on the nights he's working?"

"Yeah she does. I was just about to head over there now, why?"

"Can you do me a favor." Annie asked. "One of the students form my advanced classes is in the hospital and our teacher got some flowers and had all of us sign a get well card for him. They asked me to take it to him because I live the closest to the hospital, but I have my kick boxing class tonight. So since you have to go to the hospital anyway, would you drop them off for me."

"Sure no problem, but won't it be weird for me to do it since I'm not part of his class?"

"To be honest I don't think he'll notice. He's not very social so he doesn't exactly interact with anyone for class anyway."

Something about Annie's comment sparked Eren's curiosity.

'What's his name?" He asked.

"Armin. Last name is Arlert I think." 

~XxxxX~ 

Most of the nurses at the hospital knew Eren. He had been visiting his father at the hospital since he was little. So when he walked over to the nurses station all of them came over and made a big fuss about how handsome he was getting and how they were sure he had grown taller again even thought they had just seen him last week. He gave his father's dinner to the head nurse in charge then pulled her aside to say he had some flowers and a card to deliver to a classmate who was in one of the rooms here. After looking up Armin's information she lead Eren down the hallway to room 105.  She then knocked on the door to alert the boy to their arrival. 

"Armin, honey you have a visitor." She said. Eren wasn't sure what he had imagined Armin to look like but he wasn't expecting him to be so cute. The nurse left the two of them alone and Eren noticed how shocked Armin looked.

"Um, hi. My friend Annie Leonhart is in your class and she asked me to drop off this card and these flower from her and the rest of your classmates." Eren said hoping he didn't sound as nervous and awkward as he felt.  

"Oh...well thanks...I guess." Armin said quietly not really making eye contact with Eren. 

"So um, I'll just set them on the table here if that's cool."

"That's fine."

Eren wanted to just come right out and ask if Armin really was the person he had been emailing this whole time, but the hospital setting didn't seem the best place to be like, "hey are you the creator of Akerly Alert and have you been emailing a guy named scout who confessed to you  and signed his last email as love, Eren." 

Yeah that wasn't going to happen. Although that didn't mean he couldn't introduce himself and see what Armin's reaction would be.

"I'm Eren by the way. EREN Jeager." He said really enunciating his first name the second time he said it. 

"Sorry. I don't think I've met you before. I don't know anyone named Eren." 

Disappointment shot through Eren's entire body like an electric shock. He hadn't know his hopes had been so high until they plummeted back down to earth like a meteor, destroying all the hope that Eren's heart had held. 


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unlucky number 13

Armin gazed at the flowers his classmates had sent him, confused about why they had bothered. He was sure fainting had probably sparked some gossip, the kind that would start so many rumours. People were finally thinking about him, but at what cost?   
They would probably come to the conclusion that it was an overdose or something crazy like that. That, honestly, seemed preferable to the truth.   
Starvation.  
That's why he had REALLY fainted. He had barely eaten in about a week and now he was in the hospital because of it. He had JUST managed to finish his assignments only to run into another pitfall.   
He didn't feel sick anymore. The doctors had managed to get him to a stable spot in his physical health. But they had to keep him longer to monitor him. The staff were debating what was going on with him. A few thought it was an eating disorder, the rest thought it was an issue with his stomach not telling him when he was hungry.   
None of them thought it was depression.   
The blond sat by the window, staring out at the drab grassy area below. He wanted to go out and walk around down there, to feel the grass against his bare feet. But he wasn't allowed to leave the room without permission. He turned away from the window. It only made him feel shittier to look at something he couldn't have.   
His eyes drifted to the flowers again. They were mostly yellow and blue. It was clear they had based the bouquet off his appearance...since that was all they knew about him.   
But something white in the mess caught his eyes. He reached forward, finding a white piece of paper caught in the plants.   
It was a scrap from a notebook paper, lined in soft blue. Armin had already gotten a card in the flowers, which meant this was something different.   
He pulled the note open, reading it carefully.   
“Check your blog lol.”   
“What?” Armin had no idea what that meant. He crumpled the note up and threw it into the trash can by the bed.   
Maybe he could get a head start on his homework.   
Well...not a head start...just a normal start. A behind start.   
He reached into his homework box, only to feel something cold and hard.   
He grabbed ahold of it, blinking as he realized what it was.   
His cell phone.   
He turned the device on, instantly opening his blog. It was logged out and when he typed in his password, it didn't work. Armin typed it again and again but there was no success. He opened his notes, where he kept his passwords, only to find a little note, just for him.   
“Don't leave your passwords in your notes like that, idiot. Check your blog.”   
Armin felt sick. Who had his phone? Why did they do this?   
With shaking hands, Armin opened his blog again, this time from an observer’s point of view.

_Hey, it's the owner of this blog, back after a major hiatus. The reason I posted that shit about leaving was because it was part of my plan to deceive you all into thinking that you could trust me. So many people came to me with their issues, thinking that they were gaining my trust, but in actuality I was collecting information on them._  
 _I plan on posting new information every Tuesday, so make sure you follow me._  
 _Now, for today’s fun fact!_  
 _Eren Jaeger is fucking gay. You heard it here folks. He's gay as hell!_  
 _Make sure to follow for more hot school gossip!_  
 _Akerly Out._


	14. Chapter Forteen

Eren wasn't able to let go of the disappointment from yesterday. He really thought he had found his email pen pal but Armin didn't seem to be him. Who was it then? And why hadn't they responded to his last two emails yet?  

Eren was still lost in thought about it as he walked up the steps of the school. As he walked down the halls he couldn't help but notice that several students were looking at him and then whispering and laughing to each other. It was strange. The only thing Eren had done recently that would have drawn this much attention to him was cause the food fight, but that had been almost two weeks ago. So what was going on? Maybe he was just being paranoid. Eren was hardly ever the center of gossip so it was probably just his imagination. 

When he got to his locker he saw Jean, Annie and Mikasa standing there waiting for him. This happened most mornings so Eren didn't think much of it at first. However, then he noticed the concerned looks on Mikasa and Annie's faces and Jean looked like he was doing everything possible to avoid eye contact with him. 

"Hey guys." Eren said cautiously. "Is it my imagination or is everyone staring at me today?"

"You haven't seen it." Mikasa said.

"Seen what?"

"The Akerly Alert blog." Annie said.

"Not since they posted that they weren't going to be doing it anymore." Eren said starting to feel concerned. He was starting to connect the dots. If his friends were asking him if he had seen the blog and the whole school was whispering about him it could only mean one thing...but Eren really hoped he was wrong. "Why...?"

Mikasa pulled out her phone and opened the blog page and handed it to Eren. His eyes widened as he read the blog post. His hands started to shake and he read the way Akerly Alert gloated about getting students to email them and open up about their secrets. His heart stopped when he read what everyone was obviously whispering about.  " _Eren Jaeger is fucking gay. You heard it here folks. He's gay as hell!"_

But then it got worse...

There was a second post...and it was also about him. 

_Hey Everybody. I know I said that I was going to post every Tuesday but this little piece of gossip was just too good to keep to myself. I'm sure you all read my first post about how Eren Jaeger is absolutely positively 100% G.A.Y._

_Well what if I told you that he first realized that he was gay when he got a crush on his long time best friend Jean Kirstein. I'm sure you've all seen the way they act with each other, always getting up close and personal with their little 'fight'. Should Jean's boyfriend Marco Bott be worried?? I know I would be if I were him._

_That's all for now folks._

_Akerly Out._

"I have to get out of here." Eren said as he shoved Mikasa's phone back into her hands.

"Eren you can't just leave.." Mikasa said as she tried to stop him but Eren shrugged her off  and started to run to the front doors until he reached the outside. As he ran down the sidewalk he heard the one voice he really didn't want to hear right now.

"Eren!" Jean shouted. "Eren slow the fuck down."

"Leave me alone Jean." Eren said still running down the street. Jean speed up and managed to catch up to Eren and grabbed his shoulder forcing him to stop.

"Eren are you really gonna let some bullshit gossip get to you?" Jean asked.

"It's not bullshit. It's true." Eren said before turning around to look at Jean. "And I think you know it's true too, or you wouldn't avoid looking at me." 

"Look...Eren..."

"Don't. Don't even say a fucking word."

"Jesus Eren. How was I supposed know. How were any of us supposed to know. You never told us...you never told me."

"Would it have changed anything if I did?"

Jean didn't respond right away. Eren watched him take a deep breath before he spoke again.

"Eren I can't go back in time and tell you what my feelings would have been."

"Are you fucking kidding me? Saying something like that is almost worse then just being rejected. You are such an asshole Kirstein. I don't need you to pity me. This is exactly why I never said anything because this is the exact conversation I wanted to avoid. I got over it. I got over you. It was as crush, a stupid middle school crush that I got over. So don't stand there and look at me like you feel sorry for me. If you are gonna pity me then we can just end this fucking friendship right now!  Eren yelled. "And for the record I don't give a shit that people know I'm gay or that I had a stupid crush on you. It's not the bullshit gossip that got to me. I'm just a fucking idiot. An idiot who decided to open up and trust the wrong person and they took full advantage."

Eren didn't give Jean a chance to respond. Instead he just took off down the street and kept running. He didn't know where he was going but he needed to be anywhere but here. 


	15. Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news kids, I plan on putting In A Heartbeat on Ao3! Keep an eye out for that if you can.

Armin was locked out of his email, his blog, every piece of barely used social media he had on his phone.  
The person who had taken his phone when he fainted had destroyed everything he had left in one fell swoop.  
There were some things he didn't miss, like uninteresting and constant notifications on his Facebook.  
So and so also commented on this post.  
A person you've never interacted with commented on a post you're following.  
Armin was glad to be rid of that.  
But there was one thing he missed, something he didn't expect to miss.  
The emails from Scout.  
He thought about emailing him from his new account, but after thinking about the blog post…  
He had probably burned that bridge to the ground.  
“Armin, breakfast.” His grandfather called from downstairs.  
Armin shuffled out of his room and down the stairs to the kitchen.  
For the three days since he got home from the hospital, Armin’s grandfather cooked large portions for every meal. He tried to make sure Armin ate, which bothered the blond. His grandad was on death’s door. He didn't need to be working himself like this for Armin.  
But if he complained, he would probably have to explain why he wasn't hungry.  
He didn't want to explain the depression. Grandad had enough to worry about.  
“Eat up. You're going back to school for the first time in a while. All your friends will want to see you healthy.”  
Armin swallowed. “Yeah…” Did gramps think he had friends? He had never mentioned any. Why would he assume like that?  
“Hey, grandpa?” Armin sat down, peering at the eggs on the table with disinterest.  
“Yes?”  
“Are you afraid? Of dying, I mean?”  
“No point in worrying about that, lad.” The old man sighed. “I've lived my life.”  
“I'm afraid…”  
“Don't be. Everything will turn out fine.”  
Armin wanted to scream at him, to tell him that, no, it wouldn't be fine. Nothing would be fine after his grandfather died. He would be all alone then, no college prospects, no friends, no serotonin.  
But he kept his mouth shut, standing from his untouched breakfast.  
“I'm going to head to school.”  
“Aren't you going to eat first?”  
Armin grabbed a slice of toast from the plate in the centre of the table.  
“I'll just take this.”  
“Take care of yourself, Armin.”  
“I will.”  
He wouldn't.  
He grabbed his school bag and walked out the door, tossing the toast in the first trash can he saw.  
Maybe if he passed out from starvation this time, it would finally be for good.

***

When Armin got to school, everything was in chaos.  
People left and right were talking about the kid who got outed by Armin’s mistake.  
Armin hadn't really pieced it together before, but that kid...was Scout…  
He was tempted to find the guy, to apologize in person.  
But there was no way in hell Armin could work the courage up for that.  
Instead, he ducked into the library, finding his usual spot in the very back of the room.  
And he let himself cry. 


	16. Sixteen

When Eren finally stopped running he realized he was at the abandoned train station near the edge of town. Honestly he hadn't meant to run so far but his anger and the feelings of hurt and betrayal had pushed him to run as far as he could for as long as he could. This particular train station had been abandoned in the early 80's due to the decline in train travel but was preserved as a town landmark as it had been one of the first train stations in the area. Eren hopped over the entrance gate and made his way to the main platform before sitting down and letting his feet dangle over the tracks below. 

How had things gotten so out of control? All Eren wanted from the very beginning was to check on someone who had posted something that felt like a cry for help. He hadn't considered the fact that it could be a trick to get his personal secrets. He also hadn't thought he would fall in love with this mysterious person but he had. He never thought he would be betrayed. He never thought it would hurt this much. How many more personal things Eren had shared, become public knowledge?

Eren laid back on the train platform and covered his eyes with his arm before sighing. What could he do about it? It's not like he could confront the blog creator because he had know way of knowing who it actually was. His only clue had been the name Armin, but the boy he talked to in the hospital couldn't be the Akerly Alert blog owner. There was no way. He seemed way to shy and innocent to trick people into telling him their secrets. So that left Eren back at square one with zero idea of who was responsible for outing him to the whole school. Eren continued to let these frustrated thoughts flow through his mind until a voice startled him.

"I knew you'd be here." Mikasa said as she sat down next to Eren. "When we were kids and you decided to 'run away' from home you'd always come here."

"Shouldn't you be in class?" Eren asked.

"Shouldn't you?"

"Fair enough." Eren said. "Why'd you come after me? I already told Jean I didn't want his pity and I sure as shit don't want yours either."

"I'm not here out of pity Eren. I'm here because I care about you. Also I already knew you were gay."

"You did?!" Eren shouted as he sat back up. "How? When?"

"I have eyes Eren. I saw the way you used to look at Jean and how you never showed interest in any girl. You're like my brother. I pay attention to you and what's happening in your life."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"I figured you would tell us when you were ready." Mikasa said. "Can I ask why you emailed Akerly Alert and told them before us though?"

Eren was quite for a while and Mikasa didn't push him to speak. the two just sat in silence until Eren spoke again.

"Do you remember the time I jumped off the roof?"

"Yes...You wanted to see if you could use a blanket as a parachute."

"Bed sheet, but that's not important because that wasn't really what I was trying to do." Eren said before taking a deep breath. "I wanted to see if jumping from a two story roof would be enough to kill me, but I chickened out after I was in the air and managed to angel my body enough to avoid my head or neck hitting the ground. I know it probably seems dumb to you since I have a pretty normal life with no trauma or a 'legitimate' reason to try and kill myself but I wanted to die Mikasa. I just felt some lonely and angry and just didn't want to live, but I was too chicken shit to go through with it. When I read that post about shutting down the blog, something about it made me think of those feelings again and I didn't want someone else struggling like that. I wanted to reach out and help. So I opened up and told them I was gay. It just seemed easier telling someone who I couldn't really see than it would be telling all of you...We kept emailing and I found myself falling for him. I fell so hard Mikasa...and they just fucked me over. I'm so stupid. Who falls in love with someone they haven't met in person, for someone whose real name they don't even know?"

Eren couldn't keep the tears away anymore. When he stated to cry Mikasa put her arms around him and held him close. Eren felt her fingers in his hair as she played with it in an attempt to help comfort him. They stayed like that until Eren stopped crying, then Mikasa stood up and held out her had to help Eren stand back up.

"Do you remember what we used to do after I would come find you here when we were kids?" Mikasa asked.

"We'd go get ice cream from the corner store. I'd get mint chocolate chip and you'd get strawberry swirl." Eren said smiling fondly.

"And then your mother would scold me for getting you ice cream after you ran away from home."

"Yes." Eren laughed. "She'd say 'Mikasa you can't reward him for trying to run away. If you get him ice cream every time he does you'll only encourage him to do it again.' She was always acting like you were my older sister even though you are only like a month older than me."

"And my parent's always spoiled you to like you were actually my younger brother. 

The two of them continued to reminisce about the silly things they did as kids as they started the long walk home, stopping for ice cream to keep the tradition alive. 

Eren's parents weren't happy that he had skipped school but that was to be expected and after yet another long lecture Eren went upstairs to his room, sat down at his desk and against his better judgment opened his email account.

* * *

To: AkerlyAlert@gmail.com

From: Wingof_Freedom@gmail.com

Subject: Was it worth it?

* * *

Well was it? Was it worth it? Did you enjoy making a fool out of me? You are one conniving son of a bitch. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. Now what...huh? What the fuck do you gain by telling the whole school I'm gay and had a stupid crush on my best friend. Seriously?!?  WAS IT FUCKING WORTH IT?

* * *

 

Eren hit send. He knew it probably wasn't going to amount to much but he couldn't just sit back and say nothing. He couldn't cry and run away from this forever. And if he couldn't yell at them in person this would just have to do. 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

That afternoon, Armin took his time getting home. He didn’t want to be there. He wanted to be anywhere, but when he thought about where he wanted to go, he had no ideas. 

He tried visiting the park, but there were so many kids around.

He stopped at the bookstore, but he only had five dollars on him, so he could only browse, which ate up a little time, but it wasn’t enough. 

It was about five when he finally decided to walk home. He glanced in every store he passed, desperately looking for a reason to not go home. 

He found his reason when he passed an ice cream shop. 

When was the last time he had ice cream?

Armin walked in without even thinking. 

The shop was pretty quiet. Only one worker was out and a pair of customers were sitting near the back, talking low. Armin pulled his hood over his hair, hiding his face from them. He ordered a simple vanilla ice cream and payed with his five, sulking off into the corner once he had received his bowl. 

The treat didn’t taste as good as he had remembered it being. Depression did that to food. His appetite was non-existent and by the time he got halfway through his ice cream, it was soup. 

But he didn’t want to leave just yet. The other two customers were still here and he felt weird leaving before they did. 

He was staring at his soupy mess when he started to drift into their conversation. 

Maybe it was because he heard his name…

“So, you thought it was Armin? That quiet kid in Annie’s class?” 

“I did until I visited him at the hospital. He didn’t recognize me.” 

“Why would he recognize you?” 

“I told him my name. But he didn’t react.” 

“Then why would the email have Armin’s name on it?”

“I don’t know. Maybe this person was bullying him. He’s definitely the type to be picked on.” 

“Do people even bully him?” 

“I don’t know much about him.” 

“He doesn’t have any friends, but I don’t see anybody acting mean to him.”

“That kinda sounds like Akerly Alert.” 

“Maybe the person sending you those messages was basing their lies off Armin’s life.” 

“He said a lot of personal stuff. Do you think Akerly Alert knew stuff about Armin and was using that, or just assuming?” 

“Probably assuming. Nobody knows anything about that kid.” 

Armin stood slowly, swallowing the bitter taste in his mouth. He could have gone over and explained, but he threw his milky ice cream in the trash and snuck out the door before they noticed him. His heart hurt. He didn’t want anything to do with this anymore. Even after its demise, Akerly Alert was causing problems for everybody. 

And of course it had to be that kid who showed up with the flowers. Of course it had to be this kid with the pretty eyes and all the friends. He had ruined this guy’s life. 

He cried on his walk home, not making a sound but letting the tears flow to their heart’s content. 

He wiped them away when he got to the front door. 

“Grandpa, I’m home.” He announced. 

There was no reply. Was he napping again?

He walked up the stairs, intending to hide out in his room, hoping that his grandfather would forget about dinner and leave him to starve again. 

But when he got to the top of the stairs and turned the corner, he noticed the form slumped on the floor. He didn’t have to get closer to know what was going on. 

Just his fucking luck. 


	18. Eighteen

Eren had just dropped off his father's dinner at the hospital and was now just wondering down the hallways. He really didn't want to go home just yet and he knew as long as he wasn't bothering anyone the nurse's wouldn't have a problem with him hanging around for a little while. That and he kind of wanted to vist someone up in the children's unit while he was here. As he rounded the corner he bumped into someone causing them both to fall to the ground.  
  
"Sorry." Eren and the other person said at the same time. Eren recognized that shy voice.  
  
"Armin" Eren said as he and the blond stared at each other.   
  
"Eren...right?" He asked in a voice so quiet Eren almost didn't hear him.  
  
"Yeah." Eren said as he stood up then offered Armin a hand to help the blond stand up. "What are you doing here? I thought you had already been released."  
  
"I was...but..." Armin trailed off before speaking again. "My grandfather he's very sick and was admitted last night."  
  
"Is he ok?" Eren wanted to smack himself. Of course the man wasn't ok he was in the hospital.   
  
"He's stable. For now anyway." Armin said. "I've been with him all night and he told me to get out of the room for a bit and go get something to eat..." 

"Well I wouldn't get anything to eat here if I were you. The food here sucks." Then Eren got an idea. 

"Follow me. I know where we can get the good snacks." Eren said as he took Armin's hand and started dragging him down the hall, completely ignoring the protests the blond was making. The two ended up at the nurse's station and Eren let go of Armin's hand before greeting the nurse who was there. "Hey Doris."

"Oh hello Eren, I thought you'd gone home already."

"Not yet." Eren said. "Hey do you think  I could steal a few pudding cups?"

"You know where they are but make it quick. I don't want to get scolded again for letting you take a few."

"Thanks Doris." Eren said before grabbing Armin's hand and leading him around the counter to the cabinet where the pudding cups were. Normally they were just for patients but Eren always managed to charm the nurses into giving him one or two. "Chocolate, vanilla, butterscotch or tapioca?" Eren asked Armin.

"Vanilla...I guess." Armin said taking it as Eren handed it to him. Eren grabbed one butterscotch and one tapioca. "You like Tapioca?" 

"No, but Rosie does." Eren said

"Rosie?" Armin said sounding confused. 

"Follow me." Eren said. The two went down the hall and up the stairs.  Eren could see the confusion on Armin's face as the two of them walked down the hallway of the children's unit. When they came to room 416 Eren knocked on the door. "Pudding Delivery for Princess Rosie."

"Eren!!" Rosie shouted when they boys came into view. "Eren you haven't been to visit me in almost forever!"

"I'm sorry fair princess. I've had many knightly duties keeping me very busy as of late." Eren said making the 7 year old giggle. Eren could see that Armin was still confused but also looked like he was surprised by the way Eren interacted with Rosie. "Armin let me introduce you to Lady Rose Maria, Princess of the Children's Ward." Rosie did her best to curtsy even thought her was sitting in her hospital bed hooked up to various machines. 

"Pleasure to meet you Lady Rosie." Armin said. Eren found it really cute to hear Armin humor Rosie by speaking to her in such a formal way. "How are the two of you acquainted?"

"We are very special friends." Eren said as he handed Rosie her pudding cup.

"Eren and I are going to get married." Rosie said. Eren saw the strange look on Armin's face. He obviously heard about the fact that Eren was gay, so Eren put a finger to his lips while looking at Armin and gave him a wink to let him know not to spoil Rosie's fantasy. Eren and Armin stayed in Rosie's room for a little longer until the girl's mother came back. Rosie was sad to see Eren go but he promised he'd visit her on the weekend and would stay much longer. When the two boys were in the hallway again Armin spoke up.

"I should get back to...my grandfather."

"Wait." Eren said stopping him. Armin was really cute and even though Eren had been disappointed at first that Armin wasn't hi email pen pal, Eren still wanted to spend some time with the shy blond boy. "I want to show you something really cool first but it's kind of a secret, if anyone one finds out I'll get into a lot of trouble." 

Armin still looked unsure but Eren could see a slight curiosity in his eye. It didn't take long for him to follow Eren again down yet another hallway of the hospital until they got to a stairwell. Eren lead Armin up a few flights of stairs until they got to the door he was looking for. Eren took out his key ring and used a small gold key to unlock the door. It opened up to the hospital roof. 

"Are we allowed to be up here?" Armin asked sounding concerned.

"No that's why I'd get in trouble. I got the key from the janitor, he gave it to me a few years ago. I only use it to come up here when the sunsets sometimes because  the view is amazing. You can practically see the whole town from here." Eren said as he walked closer to the fence that surrounded the edge of the roof. He noticed that Armin seemed pretty content to stay closer to the door they had come through. 

"So…How do you know so many people here." Armin asked.

"My dad is a Doctor here. I used to come to visit him at work a lot when I was a kid, and I was also a patient quiet a few times because I can be a little reckless, and I bring my dad dinner when he has to work nights." Eren explained. "I met Rosie about a year ago. I was dropping of dinner for my dad and all the nurse's and hospital staff were in a panic because a little girl was missing from her room. I found her crying in the stairwell. She was scared and wouldn't move so I told her I was a knight and had come to rescue the missing princess. She stopped crying and after a few minutes she let me take her back to her room. I even managed to get the nurses and doctors to call her Princess Rosie, to help her feel less scared about being stuck in the hospital. She has a heart condition and has been waiting for a transplant for a long time. Once a week or so I try to visit her. I always bring her a pudding cup and usually read to her from her fairytale storybook."

"That's sweet of you to do." Armin said. 

The two boys were silent for a while as they watched the sky fill with orange and pink colors as the sun started to set. Eren moved away from the fence and laid down on the roof. He stretched his arm straight up as if he was trying to touch the sky. Eren then started to speak out loud without realizing he was. "Dear god make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far from here."

"That's from Forest Gump right." Armin said alerting Eren that he had said it out loud.

"Yeah it is." Eren said. "I've been making that wish a lot lately."

"Is..Is it because of..." Armin started to say but then trailed off. Eren knew what he was asking.

"It's not because of the rumors." Eren said as he sat up then turned to face Armin. "They aren't even rumors. It's all true. To be honest I'm not really mad that people know that I'm gay. It's not like it really changes me as a person. I'm still me. I just feel dumb because when I emailed Akerly Alert  I wanted to be their friend, to be someone they could open up to and for them to be someone I could open up too. This may sound crazy to you but I fell in love with them. I even told them I was in love with them, but they never replied and then they told everyone the stuff I had told them. I'm more mad about that. If god were to make me a bird then I could fly far, far far form here...but I wouldn't be able to fly away from those feelings." 

The sun had almost set and Eren knew he needed to get home soon or his mother would be worried.

"I should get you back inside so you can be with your grandfather." Eren said as he stood up to unlock the door. There was a new look on Armin's face that Eren couldn't figure out and after the door opened Armin took off running down the stairs before Eren even had a chance to say goodbye. 


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**To: Wingsof_Freedom@gmail.com**

**From: Armin.arlert@gmail.com**

**Subject: I’m sorry**

 

_ I’m sorry for emailing you, but i just need to explain… _

_ It wasn’t me.  _

_ Well, it was at first. It was me when it mattered, when it was real. It was me who you fell in love with...me who confided in you...who told you all that stuff about me...who ran the Akerly Alert blog up until we met.  _

_ The last time I emailed you was that night when I freaked out and just spilled all my shit. I didn’t get anything after that. I dropped my phone when I passed out from starvation. Somebody picked it up and started all this shit. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that because I was too stupid to lock my phone.  _

_ My grandfather...didn’t make it. He died before I even made it back to my room that day. I never actually got to say sorry to him for getting depressed on him even though he had it so much worse.  _

_ It’s been three weeks and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t gone to school in two weeks, the landlord wants the rent tomorrow, which will probably drain everything out of my bank account until all the stuff with my grandpa is settled. Even if I had an appetite to eat, i wouldn’t be able to afford to.  _

_ I don’t know why I’m telling you all this stuff. You don’t deserve to have me back in your life after everything that I did. I just wanted to explain what had happened and apologize for it.  _

_ I’m sorry for ruining everything.  _

_ You won’t have to deal with me anymore after this.  _

 

Hands shaking, Armin prepared himself to hit send. This was scary for him. It was the mark of an end for him and Eren. 

For Armin. 

He hadn’t left his house in two weeks, all the food in his house was either eaten or rotten by now. He had tried to at least have one meal a day, but even with skipping a few meals, the food had disappeared fast. He knew he would have to pull some money together and go grocery shopping. Maybe he could make a deal with the landlord to postpone the payment until his grandfather’s insurance money came in. But that meant pulling himself together long enough to negotiate and he wasn’t sure if he could hold up that long.  

And then he would have a reason to leave the house and shop, the idea of which made him want to throw up. 

He rolled over in his bed, reading the email again. Had he done everything he could? Had he filled in all the holes? 

No. 

He hadn’t. 

There was one important thing that he hadn’t thought about at all. One thing that Eren needed to know, one thing that he hadn’t thought about for a while. 

He tapped the screen again to continue writing the email, adding the conclusion to his side of the tale. 

 

_ The person who sent me the flowers was the one who took my phone.  _

_ I won’t be visiting the ocean, after all. You can do it without me.  _

_ I’m sorry.  _

_ -Armin _


	20. Chapter 20

 

 

 

 

Eren was shocked when he saw the notification on his phone that he had an email from Akerly Alert. At first he wasn't going to read it. Eren just tucked his phone back into his pocket and headed to school.

Eren wasn't able to concentrate in any of his morning classes. His mind kept drifting back to the email. He didn't understand why they would bother to email him. Hadn't they messed with him and his life enough? When his teacher's attention was focused on the chalk board Eren slid his phone out of his pocket and opened his email. He was only able to read the subject line of "I'm sorry" before his teacher caught him and told him to put his phone away.

 

They were sorry? Seriously? Did they really think a simple I'm sorry was going to fix everything?

 

As soon as class was over Eren pulled his phone out to read the whole email and when he did his heart broke again but this time it broke for someone else. First of all he realized he misread the e-mail address it wasn't from Akerly Alert it said Armin.arlert@gmail.com.

Armin really was the boy he had fallen in love with and he was hurting so  much that Eren feared that the sweet shy blond boy was going to hurt himself. He had admitted to Eren that he was suicidal. Suddenly nothing mattered more than getting to Armin to make sure he was ok. The only problem was that he didn't know where Armin lived.

In a panic Eren ran to Annie's classroom and managed to catch the blonde before she went into class. He asked her if she knew where Armin lived and surprisingly she said yes. Apparently her class had done a project that had involved mapping out the distance between all of their homes and putting a class location map together. She opened her schoolbook and pulled out the list of addresses and gave it to Eren. After thanking her Eren ran out of the school and made his way to Armin's apartment.

 

When he got there Eren knocked frantically at the door but there was no answer. In his worrird state Eren decided to kick the door in, he'd deal with paying the landlord for the damage later. When he entered the apartment it was quiet.

 

"Armin..." Eren said cautiously. There was no answer so Eren kept walking until and inspecting the few empty rooms of the tiny apartment. There was only one room he hadn't checked and that door was closed. Eren's heart beat wildly in his chest as he turned the door knob. Once the door opened Eren realized just how justified his earlier panic and gut instincts had been. Armin was laying unconscious on the floor of his bedroom. Eren, knowing basic first aid gave Armin a quick check he found that the blond was breathing but just barely. Eren quickly called an ambulance and after arguing with the paramedics about whether he could go with them and Armin to the hospital they finally allowed Eren to ride with them.

 

When they got there the doctors took Armin and made Eren stay in the waiting room. After a few hours Eren's father found Eren and gave him an update on Armin's condition. Armin was stable and awake but since it was a considered a suicide attempt he was being kept in the psych ward and was on suicide watch. He wasn't allowed to have visitors yet. Eren's father tried to convince Eren to go home but that was honestly the last place wanted to go right now. He wanted to be here form Armin even if he couldn't be in the room with him.  Then Eren got an idea. What if he wrote Armin a letter? Eren asked one of the nurses for a piece of paper and a pen.

* * *

_Dear Armin,_

 

_I know you probably resent me right now. After all you were trying to kill yourself and I not only saved you from dying like you wanted to but now you are stuck in the hospital all alone and I can't even come into see you or explain things in person. I couldn't let you die Armin. I just couldn't. I meant what I said on the roof that day. I love you Armin. I really do. It might be selfish for me to want to keep you alive just because I am in love with you and if it is then I want to be the most selfish person in your life. I'm out here in the waiting room right now and even if they wont let me in to see you I will come here everyday and stay until they let me see you. I will write you these letters so you know I am really here. I wont go Armin. I will be here to help you fight. Fight to live Armin. even when the world is dark and lonely you need to fight. I wish to right more to you but I am running out of room on this piece of paper so I will write to you again soon._

 

_Love Eren._

* * *

  
Eren handed the letter to the nurse and asked the nurse to give the letter to Armin because it was important.

True to his word Eren kept writing Armin letters

* * *

_Dear Armin,_

 

_I wish I could get a letter back from you but I understand why I can't right now. I didn't realize how much I missed writing to you until I stopped. I hope my hand writing isn't too messy. I have been told my penmanship can be awful. I suppose that is one of the plus sides of our emails. You would always be able to read it and not struggle with my poor hand writing. I am trying to write neatly but when I get excited to tell you something I forget about making sure I've written it in a legible way. My friends are here at the hospital with me today. They are worried about me which is ridiculous because you are the one actually in the hospital. I introduced them to Rosie. She wrapped them all around her little finger and ended up having all of us read to her doing different character voices. I was the knight, Annie was the Princess, Mikasa was the narrator and Jean was the dragon. It was so funny  because I had to say the romantic lines to the princess and Annie was so deadpan about it. Rosie kept telling her that's not how princesses speak. Then Rosie would repeat the line the way a 'true princess' would say them. The whole time I was wishing it was you I was saying those romantic things too.  I really wish I could. Maybe someday soon._

 

_Love Eren_

* * *

  
_Dear Armin,_

 

_It's almost Christmas again. I never really understood the appeal of the lights, cheesy Christmas carols, and the fact that everything is gingerbread and peppermint flavored. My mother loves the holiday though. She goes all out. Our house always looks like it could be apart of Santa's village and she makes cookies and desserts for everyone in our neighborhood. When I was little my father convinced me that my mother was actually related to Mrs. Clause  and I went around bragging that I was related to Santa. Boy did I feel stupid when I found out Santa wasn't real. Jean STILL teases me about it every Christmas._  
_I know I probably shouldn't have but I did get you a little present. Before you go freaking out about it I will tell you it wasn't expensive or anything. I know it's supposed to be a surprise but you might be confused. It's a seashell. Not a real one because I am still hoping that we will go to the ocean together. But I thought it would be nice if you had something that would let you hear what the ocean sounds like when you put it up to your ear. It's funny I never really got excited to celebrate Christmas before but when I think of spending it with you my heart flutters. I can picture you coming over to my house, my mother making you eat way to much of her food, us sitting on the couch drinking cocoa and watching those Christmas specials they always show on T.V.  We'll just make that a plan for next year. Merry Christmas Armin. I love you._

 

_Love Eren._


	21. Vingt et Une

Armin spent the next few weeks in and out of consciousness. During the times he was awake, he was in immense pain, both in his neck and in his head. They wouldn’t let him have too many painkillers because of what he tried to do. 

He found it hard to stay conscious. Something about the lack of oxygen to his brain combined with hitting his head on his bed headboard when the rope broke. 

And there was also the fact that his eating habits weren’t healthy and he had been severely dehydrated. 

He was going to be in the hospital for a while. 

Armin didn’t know why they bothered. He had no purpose anymore and between skipping school and being hospitalized so much...there was no way he’d be graduating this year. 

And even if he was, there was no college for him to join, no money for him to apply with, and no plans for the future. 

He wished the landlord hadn’t found him there. He wasn’t sure that it was the landlord, but who else could it have been?

The nurses and doctors never spoke to him about anything other than his condition. They recommended therapists and tried to ask him if he wanted anything, but Armin pushed it all away. He didn’t want anybody trying any harder for him than they should. 

The only time a nurse spoke to him was three weeks into his stay. He had finally gotten well enough to get out of bed and into a wheelchair, choosing to use this new skill to look out the window. It was snowing, but he didn’t feel that sense of wonder that he used to when it happened. What day was it? It must be getting close to christmas, which meant exams were over and he probably failed all his classes. He was thinking about how he was going to try to end his life successfully this time, when the nurse approached him. 

“I bet you’re probably wondering why your friends haven’t visited you.” 

Armin sighed. “Not really. I know why.” 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Armin didn’t care to elaborate. He tried to make his disinterest in the conversation obvious, but she didn’t seem to get the message. 

“Why do you think they haven’t come?” 

“Because they don’t exist.” The blond threw as much venom in his words as she could. Why wouldn’t she see that he didn’t want her here, that he didn’t want her talking to him, trying to encourage him to be a better person or whatever. 

“What about the boy who’s been sending you letters?” 

“What boy?” Probably some boy scout who had to do it for some dumb badge or something. 

“Did nobody give you the letters?” 

Armin sighed, hunching over the window sill to cut the conversation off. 

But the nurse didn’t stop. She dug into his night table until she found a stack of loose papers. 

She calmly set them on Armin’s lap, leaving the room so he could read them alone. 

By the time he got to the last letter, he was crying so hard that his body ached all over. He couldn’t understand why Eren felt this way about him. 

With shaking hands, he grabbed a napkin and a sharpie from the night table drawer, writing out a reply. 

 

_ Eren,  _

_ Is it weird that drinking cocoa with you sounds kind of nice right now?  _

_ Hospital food sucks.  _

_ If you’re going to use your hospital connections to send me these dumb letters I can barely read, at least do something useful and get them to give me extra pudding.  _

_ Speaking of your writing...it looks pretty familiar...almost like my penpal’s from elementary school… _

_ You didn’t write to a boy from Shiganshina Elementary, did you? _

_ That might have been me.  _

_ Anyway, I’m running out of napkin room, so, I’ll just tell you this.  _

_ I’m going to try to get better. Not because I like you or anything...but because I really want cocoa.  _

_ Did you ever figure out who sent those flowers? If you do, beat them up for me.  _

_ Love, Armin.  _


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

"Fair Giselle, you are safe from all harm now that I am by your side." Eren said as he read the dialogue of the knight in Rosie's storybook. He had been visiting the little girl a lot lately since the doctors still wouldn't let him visit Armin. Eren thought that if he was coming to the hospital anyway it was better to spend sometime with Rosie then sit alone in the waiting room. The look on the little girl's face when Eren read to her was comforting.

"Then I hope by my side you will always stay." Rosie said saying the dialogue of the princess that by now she knew by heart. "Eren?"

"Yes princess."

"I hope by my side you will always stay too."

"Of course I will. A knight isn't allowed to abandon his princess." Eren said as he tickled the 7 year old, making her laugh. They were then inturpted by a knock on Rosie's door.

"Knock knock." She said getting their attention. "You're Eren right?"

"Yeah I am." Eren said realizing that this was a new nurse didn't know him as as well as the older ones did.

"I was told to give this too you." She said handing a napkin to Eren. He was confused until he saw it had writing on it. As he read it he stood up and covered his mouth with his hand.

"Eren what is it?" Rosie asked.

"It's a letter from Armin." Eren said excitedly.

"Is he still sick?" She asked. Eren had told her that Armin was sick but none of the specifics. He had only told her because she asked why she was visiting more often.

"Yeah he is." Eren said before reading the napkin note over again. "Sorry Rosie I need to go for today. I'll come back soon ok princess."

Eren then ran home and as soon as he got up the stairs to his bedroom. He then went to his closet and moved everything off the top shelf until he found the box he was looking for. It was the box with every letter, birthday card and holiday card he had gotten since he was in elementary school. Eren had even printed off the e-mails between him and Arimn and put them in the box as well. He was just going to put the napkin with Armin's note on it in the box but then he remembered the letters he had received from his elementary school pen pal and he pulled them out of the box.

As he started reading them he enjoyed the nastolgic feelings that they created. He then read Armin's napkin note again and noticed the slight similarities between the two. Then Eren got an idea and he hoped he would be able to pull it off.

~XxxxX~

The next day at the hospital Eren rushed up to the nurse's station.

"Doris!" Eren said as he slamed both his hands on the counter. "I need your help."

"Eren sweetie, take a deep breath then explain." She said.

Eren then explained his idea to Doris and at first she told him that she couldn't disregard the hospitals policies in order to help accomplish this plan. But then Eren explained how important this was, and everything that they had been through. He even told her how in love with him he was. Finally after agreeing to help, Doris looked to see when Armin's doctor was off next and that night was Christmas eve; which Eren said was prefect.

"Thank you so much Doris!" Eren said.

"You're welcome Eren but if anyone askes I had nothing to do with this."

"I won't tell anyone if I get caught." Eren said as he started to walk away. "Oh Doris one more thing. Can I steal a pudding cup?"

~XxxxX~

_Dear Armin,_

_As requested I used my connections to get you a pudding cup. Also I'm planning a little surprise for you, so start getting excited. I love you. See you soon._

_Love Eren._

~XxxxX~

It was 3:30 on Christmas Eve and even though both his parents were home and the three had been spending the day together, Eren told them that he had a few Christmas gifts to deliver.

Eren made a quick stop at the coffee shop near the hospital and ordered two peppermint hot chocolates and two gingerbread men cookies then headed to the hospital. When he got inside he went to the nurse's station to find Doris and after he found her she discreetly took him to upstairs to Armin's room. She told him he had one hour and then she was coming back to get him.

Eren took a deep breath before knocking on the door with his free hand. He heard no answer and was a little afraid that the blond was asleep. He couldn't stand in the hall forever though because it would only draw attention to the fact that he shouldn't be here so he knocked again. After hearing a muffled 'what?' Eren decided that was his cue to go in.

"Merry Christmas Armin." Eren said as he closed the door behind him. He saw the blonde sit up in surprise.

"W-what are you doing here?"

"I told you I had a surprise for you and I believe you said that drinking cocoa together sounded nice."

"H-how did you get in here?" Armin asked still a little alarmed. "I thought they didn't allow visitors for people on suici...who were in the psych ward."

"Doris helped but don't tell or she could get in a lot of trouble." Eren said as he set the cocoa and cookies in the table by Armin's bed. Since he wasn't supposed to have visitors there wasn't anywhere for Eren to sit.

"Um...you can sit here...I can move over a little."

"Ok." Eren said trying not to sound to excited as he sat down. He then took the cocoa out of the cup tray and handed one too Armin.

"Pepermint?" Armin asked.

"Yeah. I thought it was festive. I also got gingerbread men." He said handing the bag to Armin so he could take one. The two sat in silence for a while, watching as snow started to fall out the window before Armin spoke up.

"You didn't have to do all this you know."

"I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to because I love you." Eren said smiling as a cute blush spread across Armin's face.

"I....I..." Then Armin sighed. "...Merry Christmas Eren."

"Merry Christmas Armin."

 

 


	23. chapter consistency is for cowards

Armin was released from the hospital the day before New Years Eve and he didn’t know what to do with himself. He had been sending notes back and forth for the past week and had agreed to meet that night as he left the hospital. 

The moment Eren saw Armin, he wrapped him in the tightest, warmest hug he had ever experienced in his life. He melted into it, letting the feeling spread through him. 

“You saw me a week ago.” Armin muttered into Eren’s puffy winter coat. 

“I missed you.” 

“Cheesy.” 

“It is not!” 

“It is!” 

Eren laughed, tightening his grip on Armin. “I love you.” 

“Yeah…” Armin wanted to say it back, but he had missed his chance and now he had to make it a Big Deal™.

“So, do you want me to walk you home?” 

“I...uh...Don’t know what i’m going to do about that…” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I haven’t paid my rent in over a month. I don’t even have the money to pay it off…” 

Eren thought for a moment, parting from Armin and taking his hand. 

“Why don’t you move in with us?” 

“What? We’re not even dating. Are we dating?” 

“Do you want to be dating?” 

“I mean...yeah...yeah I would love to...but I can’t just move in with you!” 

“Why not? It’s easier than having to work to pay rent. We even have a spare room if you don’t want to share a bed.” 

Armin’s face heated up at the thought of sharing a bed with Eren.

“I...I guess…” 

“Great!” Eren’s hand tightened around Armin’s. “So...Did you mean what you said? About wanting to date me?” 

“Y-yeah...I did.” 

“Great! Then it’s official! You’re my boyfriend!” 

Armin smiled softly. “Want to spend New Years together?” 

“Of course I do!” Eren seemed more cheerful than ever before. He was so cute like this. Armin didn’t feel like he deserved this. 

Maybe he didn’t. 

But he sure as hell was going to savour it. 

 

***

 

“This is a great spot.” Armin complemented as Eren lead him onto the roof of his house, which Armin planned to spend the night in. He had already made plans with the landlord to move out. There wasn’t a ton that he wanted to take with him, but Eren’s parents had agreed to let him keep his extra things in the attic. 

They were all going to help him move out after new years. 

School wasn’t looking too bad either. He hadn’t realized how many credits he had raked up from taking AP classes, so it looked like he could graduate with the rest of his class as long as he passed two courses in the next term. He wouldn’t be getting into the college he wanted, but at least he wouldn’t have failed high school. 

“I come up here to watch the fireworks every year.”

“The sky is so clear…” 

“Armin…” 

“Yeah?” 

“Can I kiss you?” 

Armin blushed, closing his eyes. 

“Y-yeah…” 

“You sure?” 

“I’m sure!! I’m completely sure!!” He swallowed. 

Suddenly, Eren’s lips were on his. They were so soft, so hot compared to the December/January cold. Armin wrapped his arms around Eren’s neck, trying to get him as close as possible. 

When they parted, Armin was speechless except for three tiny words. 

“I love you.” 

Eren grinned wide. “I love you too. Was that your first kiss?” 

“It was.” Armin admitted. He snuggled into Eren’s warmth, head turning up to the sky. “Did you ever figure out who sent those flowers.” 

“I did.”    
“And?” 

“And I don’t want to believe it.” 

“Why not?” Armin asked. He wanted to know. He wanted to know who had ruined his life like this. 

Eren took a deep breath, leaning his head on Armin’s. 

“Annie.” 

“What?” 

“It was Annie.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We haven't really decided what ship to do for our next fic, so I'm open to suggestions. I don't know about Tiamo.


	24. Chapter 24

The next few months seemed to fly by and things seemed to be going smoothly. Eren had confronted Annie about the flowers. It was true that it had been her idea to send the flowers to Armin. She had noticed that Armin was always alone and thought the flowers would open the door to a possible friendship. However, she was not responsible for the hacking of Armin's email and blog or the note that had been tucked into the flower bouquet. Which actually made sense because she could barely use her phone without asking Eren, Mikasa or Jean for help.

The real hacker or should we say hackers were Reiner and Bertholdt. They had been in the library the day Armin had passed out and needed to be rushed to the hospital. Reiner had picked up Armin's phone and since it hadn't ben locked the was able to find the blog, email account and all the passwords Armin used. When he and Bertholdt had read that Eren was gay they decided to post in on the blog because they had been jealous of how close Eren and Annie's relationship was. They figured if they were to 'out' Eren as gay and make it look like Annie was responsible then they would drift apart. The opportunity presented itself when Annie decided to send Armin's flowers. Reiner wrote the note and stuck it in the flowers while Bertholdt wrote the blog posts. 

With that whole mess cleared up everything seemed to settle back down. Armin was actually fitting in very well with Eren's group of friends. Eren was amazed by how natural it felt to have Armin with them. it was like they had all known each other forever.

Eren's parents also loved Armin. Eren's father would spend hours talking to the blond for hours and was always immensely impressed by how smart he was. And Eren's mother always fussed over Armin, making sure he had enough to eat and had everything else he could possibly need. They hadn't even be fazed when Eren and Armin told them that they were dating. Eren's mother had actually been thrilled, so thrilled in fact that Eren was sure she was already mentally planning for the wedding.

Eren couldn't remember a time he was this happy...but one thing was still missing...a promise still needed to be kept.

It was early in the morning. so early that the sun had barely started to rise. Eren snuck down the hallway to the guest room that had become Armin's room. He opened the door as quietly as possible, then walked over o the bed.

"Armin. Wake up." Eren whispered.

"Eren, it's 5;30. Go back to bed."

"No. Get up, we have to go."

"Go where?"

"It's a surprise. Just get up and meet me in the car in fifteen minutes or I will come back up here and carry you to the car." 

exactly fifteen minutes later they were in the car and after making a quick stop for coffee an donuts, they started their surprisingly long drive. Armin and asked Eren over and over where he was taking him but Eren would only smile and tell him to wait and see. After making one final turn their destination came into view.

"Eren...is that...?"

"Well I did promise that we would go together."

The two got out of the car and walked down the boardwalk until they reached the sandy shore of the beach. There was a light breeze blowing it was cool but not enough to cause them to become chilled. The sand however, was surprisingly warm as the two boys took their shoes off to get the full experience of being at the beach. After finding a place to sit Eren pulled Armin into his lap and the two watched as the waves crashed against the shore. They were close enough to the water that every time the waves crashed the cool water would splash over their bare feet.

"It's even more beautiful then I imagined it would be." Armin said as he leaned back against Eren's chest.

"I'm glad we get to see it together." Eren said as he wrapped his arms around Armin's waist pulling him closer.

"Thank you for keeping your promise to even though I kept trying to talk you out of it."

"I love you Armin. I'd do whatever I could to make you happy."

"I still can't believe that this is real. Things like this only happen in books or films."

"Everyone deserves a good love story." Eren said. "...and personally I think ours is the best." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support and wonderful comments on this story
> 
> If you guys liked this story...and I know a few of you 100% LOVED IT...the please keep an eye out for our next Eremin story which will be titled "Overlooked Love." (A story about Armin having a crush on Eren...but Eren already has a boyfriend...)
> 
> (Also if you guys have any requests for future stories and future ships just let us know in the comments! Thanks)


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